


The Sea and The Rhythm

by KatherineAJones



Category: Nothing Much to Do
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Balthazar's POV, M/M, Mention of Ben Hobbes, Mention of drinking, Music, Ocean, Post-Canon, Well more hopeful than happy, pinning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-15
Updated: 2015-09-15
Packaged: 2018-04-20 22:39:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4804829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatherineAJones/pseuds/KatherineAJones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Staring out at the seemingly endless blue in front of me, I couldn’t help but think of a boy who had once said his favorite color was blue, like my eyes. </p><p>--</p><p>Balthazar's POV many years after the events of LLL. Canon divergent. Very canon divergent. Written after TOWN, if that helps you place things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sea and The Rhythm

There was always something about watching the waves crash on the shore that made me feel small. Not hopeless, just small. Like how a puppy might feel next to a person.

Back in New Zealand, the sea had always seemed so close. We could see it when we went to the park. It was never more than a short drive away. Now, living in London, it had taken me far longer than I was used to to get to the ocean.

Staring out at the seemingly endless blue in front of me, I couldn’t help but think of a boy who had once said his favorite color was blue, like my eyes.

I had to laugh at myself a bit as I thought about that day. He had told me he loved me, even if he only meant it as friends. He had looked happy and complete and perfect. And I had fallen a little bit more in love, as I did every time we were together.

Maybe I moved too fast, once I thought I finally had a chance. Maybe I scared him, drove him away before I had a chance to see what we could become. Maybe I should have been there for him. Maybe I should have waited. But who wants to wait when that’s what they’ve been doing for 5 years?

There’s something about hope. Something that drives you crazy, makes you want to tear your hair out, but that also makes you want to smile more widely than you ever have before. There’s something about it that makes you do stupid things. There’s something about it that makes you _want_ to do stupid things.

And there’s something about losing hope. Something that makes you want to curl up in a ball and cry, crushed by the weight of the world around you, because for a moment - just a moment - you were safe in your own little bubble. There’s something about it that makes you want to scream and throw a fit. There’s something about it that makes you want to silently hide forever.

When hope comes back, full force and in the face, it’s like walking into the wind. It’s so strong, so overwhelming, but you just keep doing it, ignoring the discomfort. I ignored the problems that still remained, told myself we would work it out. And we never got a chance to.

I think the hardest part - the part I always come back to - is that I thought we were _happy_. I thought he was getting better. Not perfect, not yet, and maybe not ever, but better. But then something happened and he spiraled.

Have you ever watched someone you love spend so much time in their head that they can only see the bad? To them, it’s like the good doesn’t exist, like it never existed. They can’t see past the image they have of themself to the image you have of them. You have to sit helplessly by the side as you watch them crumble and crash, desperately trying to hold them together by sheer force of will, even as they refuse your touch at every turn.

I don’t know what happened. I don’t know whose fault it was. But one day, I just couldn’t watch him anymore. I couldn’t watch the boy I had loved for so long not be able to love himself. I switched flats to live with other friends and got on the first flight to London after graduating.

Ben stayed with him. I don’t know how, but he did. He gave me updates on how he was doing. When he started getting better, Ben asked if I wanted to move back in. And I couldn’t do it. What if me moving back in made him spiral again?

Ben’s been keeping me updated on everything happening in New Zealand. It’s not constant, but whenever something major happens, he’ll shoot me a text or email. I’m not the best responder, but I know he knows I appreciate it.

Not too long ago, I got a text from the boy I onced loved more than anything else in the world. The boy with eyes like melted chocolate and a smile that could lift anyone’s day.

Which brought me here, sitting on the sand in February, my guitar in my lap, my fingers absentmindedly strumming a song seared into my head. A love song to a boy who was loved by the whole world.

I always think better at the beach, with the waves crashing on the shore in a steady rhythm and the wind carrying the distinct smell of salt. I thought of everything, from the first meeting when he ran into my desk and messed up the quarter note I was writing, to the first fight about something stupid like whether cats or dogs were better that had us ignoring each other for two days, to the first true and honest-to-goodness goodbye.

And then I thought about the way his hair always seemed to catch the sunlight and shine it back on everyone around him. The way he was up for anything, singing One Direction included. The way he had always looked at me like I was something unique and special.

It was time to go home.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if you're confused, have questions, or I messed up something grammatically. I hope you enjoyed!


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